Christmas Will Never Be the Same
A Holiday Tale by Tony Gray
It’s the 11th day of Christmas and the elves are running around carrying packages. The reindeer are there when Charlie, the head elf exclaims, “Hey, where is the sleigh?”
“It’s not back from the paint shop!”, a stumbling elf says as he burps rushing by in his pointy-curled elf shoes. “Marcello is finishing up the pinstripes while Carlos works on the lifters. Santa is going to be low-riding in style this year!” he says proudly as he trips over an extension cord, cutting the lights to the Christmas tree at North Pole HQ.
Charlie, cannot believe what he is hearing. “Did it ever occur to any of you morons that we fly at night and land on people’s roofs? And by the way, nobody ever sees Santa and we’ve been doing this for generations. Who is going to see pinstripes or Santa’s low-riding sled?”
“We thought of that already, Homie. We’ve upgraded his stereo too. That Bing Crosby stuff was old and tired! Now we got the Bing Bings and the Boochie Gang with some kids from online videos with crazy hair.”
“Yeah, they rock Charlie. Get with the program,” another helpful elf chimes in.
“Get with the what?” Charlie yells loudly over a noise resembling tires changing in a mechanic shop. “And why are the reindeer so lethargic?”
“Lethargic? What is that? This ain’t no hospital, Charlie,” Another elf offers as he attempts to untie one of his hands from a box of cookies.
“Let me put this to you more simply, dummy. Why are our reindeer looking crazy and after you answer that question remind Santa to get you a dictionary!”
“Chill Charlie,” another elf says looking as crazy as the reindeer. “One of the rappers came by for a promotional video and shot it with Rudolf, Dancer and the strippers. That was hot and why they are so happy.”
“The strippers? What? The reindeer are stoned!” Charlie screams as his face turns as red as a Christmas ball.
“Yeah Charlie, the paint strippers. We had to strip the sled before we repainted it,” the elf with eyes pointing in opposite directions explains. “You ever try to put a paint mask on a reindeer?”
Before Charlie explodes wondering what the next answer is as to why the dear are licking a pole that was not formerly installed asks, “So, we’ve got no sleigh, the reindeer are high with only hours left until Christmas?”
“Charlie, calm down. We’ve got this under control. Have we ever let you down?”
“No, but that’s only because we hired you three months ago. By the way, where is Santa?”
“He will be here. He’s putting on his new threads we designed for him.”
“You designed new clothes for Santa?” Charlie asked in further disbelief.
“Yeah, homie, that red and white stuff was old and tired like you. This year he is rocking the new designs, called ‘Please come back to me that were inspired by the girlfriend who dumped him.” It’s fly green with the silver tassels and special Santa edition sneakers. They are selling for $750, but we are getting them for $200. You know rappers get their cut.”
“We are giving a cut of Christmas to a rapper? What happened to the shoes we were giving kids for free?”
“Really Bro? Only you wear those shoes now. They are out of style.”
“They only came out six months ago?” Charlie wondered aloud as he looked at his shoes.
“Why do you think he’s a genius and you are broke working with elves and wearing tired sneakers?”
“Do you know the meaning of Christmas, you idiots?” Charlie asked in disgust.
“Yeah, it’s spending money and keeping up with the new hot.”
Charlie shook his head at what he is hearing and ready to explode, but doesn’t have time to explain. Then he looks over and asks, “Where are all the presents?”
“We unionized last year. Didn’t you get the memo? We turned everything over to that online shipper. It was more efficient.”
“Then where are the presents?”
The elf had a slight hiccup then said, “Tornado blew down the warehouse. But don’t worry, Johnny and Friedo took teams to Missouri and South Dakota to gather the packages.
“I thought the tornado was in Kentucky?”
“Come on Holmes, you ever been in a tornado? It blew our inventory several states away, but we are on it. They will be here in time.”
Charlie heard a commotion and looked over to see Johnny and Friedo waving truckloads of gifts into Santa’s workshop. Elves rush over to help them unload. Meanwhile, Carlos and Marcello arrive with the new sleigh. The fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror of Santa’s new sleigh did not go unnoticed by Charlie as he fumbled for aspirin trying to calm down before he killed every elf each time they opened their mouth.
Santa walked in to oversee the last minute preparations. “Looks like everything is going smoothly, eh Charlie?”
Charlie staired at Santa’s new outfit in disbelief. The elves didn’t mention the twinkling LED lights that advertised “Santa is Coming to Town” or the Elton John looking 1972 sunglasses and platform boots.
“Uh Santa?” Charlie mumbled.
Marcello stepped in to correct Charlie and said, “He prefers to go by the new name, ‘S-to-the-P-and-the-cookie-clobbering-delivery-express-systems, incorporated. “
“The what?” Charlie exclaims.
“Come on Holmes, we shortened it for you to SPCCDES, Inc.”
“How do you even pronounce that?” Charlie asked with another impossible question.
“Charlie, it will grow on you. Get with the program. You are old and dumb. This is the new hot.” Marcello explained to the confused foreman.
Poor Charlie watched the elves scurry along loading the sleigh when he noticed all the battered and wind-blown packages.
“The packages are torn. And is that an iPhone?”
“Yeah, we didn’t have enough time to re-wrap or repair things, so we are giving gift certificates and rename our iPhone inventory to the iPhone Builders Edition. We give you the pieces and you build your own iPhone. It’s educational.”
“Fathers can’t put together a bicycle and we are giving them smart phones in pieces?” Charlie exclaimed.
“Well, they are not technically smart phones. They are, as we like to refer to them, Tender Loving Care models. We are teaching children to love with this release and fathers to have patience.”
“And where is the mother in all this?” Charlie asked.
“Well, with the popularity of S-dog’s new costume, we marked out a little extra time for the lady of the house. S-Dog has something special for her stocking.”
The clock struck midnight, and the lights dimmed. Like an electronic music concert, all the elves threw their hands in the air. Smoke rolled from under the sled and then Charlie realized it was coming from Rudolf and Dasher’s polluted nose. S-Dog (Santa) raised his fist in the air while his LED pinstripe suit blinked, then yelled, “Ho, Ho, Hoes, lets go!”
Charlie shook his head and said to himself, “Really, you replaced ho-ho-ho with Come on, you hoes let’s go?”
Author’s Note: (Charlie is now in therapy and wearing new shoes)